<div dir="ltr">Comments in line,<div><br></div><div>__Jason</div><div class="gmail_extra"><br><div class="gmail_quote">On Fri, Nov 21, 2014 at 10:42 AM, David Huberman <span dir="ltr"><<a href="mailto:David.Huberman@microsoft.com" target="_blank">David.Huberman@microsoft.com</a>></span> wrote:<br><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0px 0px 0px 0.8ex;border-left-width:1px;border-left-color:rgb(204,204,204);border-left-style:solid;padding-left:1ex">
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<p>Channeling my inner Megan Kruse with grammar nitpicks, and also some substantive editorial comments:<br></p></div></div></blockquote><div>I support all grammar fixes.</div><div> </div><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0px 0px 0px 0.8ex;border-left-width:1px;border-left-color:rgb(204,204,204);border-left-style:solid;padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr"><div style="font-size:12pt;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Calibri,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;background-color:rgb(255,255,255)"><p>
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Page 2: "which is associated with" should be "which are associated with" since the previous noun was "zones" plural.</p>
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<p>Page 2: inconsistent capitalization of "Internet Number Resource Policies" throughout the document. So far I see:<br>
Internet number resource policies</p>
<p> Internet Number Resource Policies</p>
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<p>Page 3: First full sentence. "describe the proposed global policy" doesn't agree in singular/plural with the preceding text. Perhaps replace "the proposed" with "a proposed" to denote that results occur when a policy is agreed upon?</p>
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<p>Page 3: Paragraph 3 - you defined ASO Advisory Council (ASO AC) and then in paragraph 3 keep mentioning ASO *Address* Council. I am not 100% sure, but don't you mean to use the defined initialism "ASO AC" in all instances of the third paragraph?
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<p>Page 3: Paragraph 4: you can substitute "Regional Internet Registries" with the defined initialism RIR. This is true throughout the document - you may want to search-and-replace "Regional Internet Registries". Just an idea.</p>
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<p> Page 4: "The five <RIRs> are intimately familiar with..." I think this sentence is a run-on, as the second clause doesn't depend on the first clause. I'm not sure. Recommend breaking it into two different sentences, or at least using a semi-colon if you
are expressing a singular idea.</p>
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<p>Substantive comment, not editorial: Page 5, the phrase "commensurate with current mechanisms" - I think this should be stricken. The paragraph goes on to define specific parameters. I think it's better to define all the parameters of the service levels
and performance reporting, rather than rely on associations ("commensurate with") that aren't explicitly defined right there.
<br></p></div></div></blockquote><div>I think if you really want to keep the "commensurate with current mechanisms" text, then it is relevant in the NTIA Requirements section, as part of the theme about building on an existing </div><div> </div><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0px 0px 0px 0.8ex;border-left-width:1px;border-left-color:rgb(204,204,204);border-left-style:solid;padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr"><div style="font-size:12pt;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Calibri,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;background-color:rgb(255,255,255)"><p>
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Substantive comment: Page 5, third paragraph, starting with "While it has not been utilized". What is the purpose of this paragraph? In what way does reaffirmation by the RIRs of their commitment to these goals germane to this document?</p></div></div></blockquote><div>I think this section is about the NTIA's ability to revoke the contract to perform the IANA function, and this capability will pass from the NTIA to the RIRs. I think the rest of this section is an attempt to address how such a function could be invoked and the oversight of such. It points to existing process, and existing oversight, and a commitment to the ASO-AC completing a review and making recommendations. </div><div><br></div><div>I think this boils down to two points.</div><div>1. We have pretty good oversight (appropriate for the NTIA Requirements section)</div><div>2. The ASO-AC will review RIR oversight, and shore up any issues with RIR oversight</div><div>(which in general is fine if the work successfully concludes before transition) </div><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0px 0px 0px 0.8ex;border-left-width:1px;border-left-color:rgb(204,204,204);border-left-style:solid;padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr"><div style="font-size:12pt;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Calibri,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;background-color:rgb(255,255,255)">
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<p> Page 5/6 transition - you've already defined this term, ASO AC.</p>
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<div style="margin:0px"><font face="Calibri,sans-serif"><span style="font-size:11pt"><b>David R Huberman</b></span></font></div>
<div style="margin:0px"><font face="Calibri,sans-serif"><span style="font-size:11pt">Microsoft Corporation</span></font></div>
<div style="margin:0px"><font face="Calibri,sans-serif"><span style="font-size:11pt">Principal, Global IP Addressing</span></font></div>
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<div dir="ltr"><font color="#000000" face="Calibri, sans-serif" style="font-size:11pt"><b>From:</b> <a href="mailto:iana-transition-bounces@arin.net" target="_blank">iana-transition-bounces@arin.net</a> <<a href="mailto:iana-transition-bounces@arin.net" target="_blank">iana-transition-bounces@arin.net</a>> on behalf of Sweeting, John <<a href="mailto:john.sweeting@twcable.com" target="_blank">john.sweeting@twcable.com</a>><br>
<b>Sent:</b> Friday, November 21, 2014 7:15 AM<br>
<b>To:</b> <a href="mailto:iana-transition@arin.net" target="_blank">iana-transition@arin.net</a><br>
<b>Subject:</b> [Iana-transition] Draft of ARIN proposal for review and comments</font>
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<div>All,</div>
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<div>As members of the CRISP team representing the ARIN region Bill Woodcock, Michael Abejuela and I held an initial call on Nov 17th to discuss direction. Pulling from the comments that were already posted to this list as well as others Michael Abejuela put
together the attached draft response to the RFP that we would like to use as the baseline to start our ARIN region discussion. Please review the document and provide input via this list. I want to thank Michael for doing this and also commend him on, what
I think, is a very good first draft. We look forward to your input. Thanks in advance for taking the time to review and comment.</div>
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<div>Your ARIN CRISP members – Bill, Michael and John</div>
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