[Iana-transition] Draft of ARIN proposal for review and comments

[David Huberman]

Channeling my inner Megan Kruse with grammar nitpicks, and also some substantive editorial comments:?

Page 2: "which is associated with" should be "which are associated with" since the previous noun was "zones" plural.


Page 2: inconsistent capitalization of "Internet Number Resource Policies" throughout the document.  So far I see:
    Internet number resource policies

    Internet Number Resource Policies


Page 3: First full sentence.  "describe the proposed global policy" doesn't agree in singular/plural with the preceding text.  Perhaps replace "the proposed" with "a proposed" to denote that results occur when a policy is agreed upon?


Page 3: Paragraph 3 - you defined ASO Advisory Council (ASO AC) and then in paragraph 3 keep mentioning ASO *Address* Council.  I am not 100% sure, but don't you mean to use the defined initialism "ASO AC" in all instances of the third paragraph?


Page 3: Paragraph 4: you can substitute "Regional Internet Registries" with the defined initialism RIR.  This is true throughout the document - you may want to search-and-replace "Regional Internet Registries".  Just an idea.


 Page 4: "The five <RIRs> are intimately familiar with..."  I think this sentence is a run-on, as the second clause doesn't depend on the first clause. I'm not sure. Recommend breaking it into two different sentences, or at least using a semi-colon if you are expressing a singular idea.


Substantive comment, not editorial:  Page 5, the phrase "commensurate with current mechanisms" - I think this should be stricken.  The paragraph goes on to define specific parameters. I think it's better to define all the parameters of the service levels and performance reporting, rather than rely on associations ("commensurate with") that aren't explicitly defined right there.

Substantive comment:  Page 5, third paragraph, starting with "While it has not been utilized".   What is the purpose of this paragraph?  In what way does reaffirmation by the RIRs of their commitment to these goals germane to this document?


 Page 5/6 transition - you've already defined this term, ASO AC.




David R Huberman
Microsoft Corporation
Principal, Global IP Addressing
________________________________
From: iana-transition-bounces at arin.net <iana-transition-bounces at arin.net> on behalf of Sweeting, John <john.sweeting at twcable.com>
Sent: Friday, November 21, 2014 7:15 AM
To: iana-transition at arin.net
Subject: [Iana-transition] Draft of ARIN proposal for review and comments

All,

As members of the CRISP team representing the ARIN region Bill Woodcock, Michael Abejuela and I held an initial call on Nov 17th to discuss direction. Pulling from the comments that were already posted to this list as well as others Michael Abejuela put together the attached draft response to the RFP that we would like to use as the baseline to start our ARIN region discussion. Please review the document and provide input via this list. I want to thank Michael for doing this and also commend him on, what I think, is a very good first draft. We look forward to your input. Thanks in advance for taking the time to review and comment.

Your ARIN CRISP members - Bill, Michael and John




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